My liver just broke up with me...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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