I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
