I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
