it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
do nipples grow back?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
