What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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