aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
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I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
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Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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