what day is it and did you see me today?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
