So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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