i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
