I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
