My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
