just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
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