He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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