you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
