I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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