Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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