She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
