and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
