she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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