I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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