I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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