I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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