I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
