get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
