Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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