He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
