I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Pants are for mortals
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
