tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My feet surprised me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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