Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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