He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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