ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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