dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
