Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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