My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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