That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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