We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
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Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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