WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
