it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
