My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize