you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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