We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
