dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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