obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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