someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
