i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
