Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
