Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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