Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize