I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
