I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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