Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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