On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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