By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
