holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
