I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
