Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
